If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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