she is the kim kardashian of front butts
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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