This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
