my mouth tastes like poor choices
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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