When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
