i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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