there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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