After last night, I could never be a politician.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
