next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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