can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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