Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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