Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
