we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
