youre lurking in front of me
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
