I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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