I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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