It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
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I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
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Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.