how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?