"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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