So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
