Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
