who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
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been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP