butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
