Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
