dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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