Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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