The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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