Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
