It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
