Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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