The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
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you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
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Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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