you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
