Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
