New low: just hacked my moms facebook
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
