I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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