Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
