Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
