I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You can't just leave with hair like that
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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