Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
