ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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