my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
