My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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