how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
