You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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