Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
