Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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