i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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