mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I checked into jail on foursquare
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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