one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
