I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
