I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.