She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
