I have demons in me.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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