If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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